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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24233452">Trusting your enemy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChopinWorshipper/pseuds/ChopinWorshipper'>ChopinWorshipper</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Norse Religion &amp; Lore</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Sorry Not Sorry, but i know you lot won't care, lots of repetitive sentences, only one of the chapters is supposed to be of romantic nature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 19:08:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,370</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24233452</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChopinWorshipper/pseuds/ChopinWorshipper</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a certain freedom in trusting the enemy.</p><p>Loki's relationship to his wife and enemies, from both sides' POV.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Baldr | Baldur &amp; Loki, Heimdallr | Heimdall &amp; Loki (Norse Religion &amp; Lore), Loki &amp; Óðinn | Odin (Norse Religion &amp; Lore), Loki/Sigyn (Norse Religion &amp; Lore)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Heimdallr - Understanding</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Heimdallr and Loki are mortal enemies. Yet, sometimes they can have a peaceful moment. <br/>There is a strange comfort in being understood by your nemesis.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter isn't meant to have romantic undertones, but knowing you lot, you will interpret it as such anyways.😅</p><p>This is set after Baldr's and Höðr's death, but before the Lokasenna and Loki's punishment.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Heimdallr – Understanding</b>
</p><p> </p><p>He doesn't trust Loki.</p><p>No one should, so it used to baffle him, that the inhabitants of Asgard do.</p><p>But it doesn't surprise him anymore.</p><p>Loki is beguiling, a handsome charmer with a silver tongue, a sweet voice and a captivating smile. His lies are beautiful, so beautiful, that it's hard for most people to believe the truth from his mouth. Not that Loki tells the truth often. Either he lies, or he withholds the truths he knows and keeps silent.</p><p>Heimdallr finds it funny. He can't help it.</p><p>It's funny how Laufeyjarsón can risk his own skin with his big mouth, hot temper and rash acts, but manages to keep certain things to himself. He gets himself into trouble, when he slanders and insults everyone and yet there are things he would never say, not even when he's completely drunk.</p><p>Heimdallr sees and hears everything.</p><p>He knows what the fire giant really has done, he knows the wicked schemes going on inside that red-haired head of his, he knows of the grief and hurt, that fuel Loki's bitter hatred.</p><p>Óðinn too knows almost all of it and what he doesn't, Heimdallr knows.</p><p>That's why Heimdallr doesn't trust Loki.</p><p>And yet … in a certain, inexplicable way he does.</p><p>He trusts in not trusting the other.</p><p>He trusts in their mutual animosity, which will lead to their demise at each other's hands during Ragnarök.</p><p>He trusts in Loki's silence about certain things.</p><p> </p><p>It is the same for Loki.</p><p>He doesn't trust the guardian of Bifröst, his adversary, his nemesis.</p><p>He hates Heimdallr.</p><p>Despises him with a passion more scorching than Múspellsheimr, where he was born.</p><p>The Son of Nine Mothers knows him, he understands him.</p><p>He is reliable, unlike Loki himself and yet, he is just as unpredictable.</p><p>Their unpredictability is something they have in common.</p><p>That, and a few other things, things neither of them ever brings up.</p><p>Loki is cunning, but he will freely admit, that he isn't wise.</p><p>He will <em>not</em> admit, that he acknowledges Heimdallr's wisdom, envies it even.</p><p>He will never say just how much he knows about the other.</p><p>It's not necessary anyways; Heimdallr knows everything.</p><p>He knows of the terrible things Loki has done without the slightest hint of remorse.</p><p>He knows the truth behind his skilfully woven lies.</p><p>He knows, what Loki will never say.</p><p>That is why Loki hates him.</p><p>Why he doesn't trusts him.</p><p>And yet, in his own twisted way he does.</p><p>Because Heimdallr knows everything and says nothing.</p><p>The guardian is silent and that is the only thing Loki trusts about him.</p><p>He trusts in Heimdallr's understanding nature, as much as he despises it.</p><p> </p><p>It is rare that Loki actually gives him company, other than during feasts and assemblies, yet he is currently sitting next to him, oddly silent.</p><p>Not that Heimdallr minds – it's night and he has always preferred the dark and quiet night over the noisy, bright day.</p><p>Neither of them speaks for a while.</p><p>It's Heimdallr, who breaks the silence: “You haven't said anything in three hours, Laufeyjarsón. Should I be concerned?”</p><p>Loki raises an eyebrow. “You're always concerned, Bifröst's Guardian. Besides, until now <em>you</em> haven't said a word either.”</p><p>Heimdallr shrugs: “I don't talk, unless it's necessary. You know that, Loki.”</p><p>The other is playing with his thick, flaming red braid.</p><p>The guardian finds it funny, that Loki, who is a shapeshifter and can look however he wants, chooses the cliché appearance of red hair, freckles and green eyes as his regular shape. At least he doesn't sport a goatee; Loki doesn't like having a beard. The thought of someone as androgynous as Loki having one makes Heimdallr chuckle.</p><p>Finally Loki stops toying with his hair to look back at him.</p><p>“Yes … I know”, he says and Heimdallr knows that he means his statement from earlier.</p><p>The fire giant's green eyes wander over the watcher, as they often do.</p><p>Heimdallr is the whitest of the gods, even more so than Baldr (Baldr, who is dead, who dwells with Loki's daughter now, who will never come back). Baldr's cheeks were rosy, Heimdallr's are a deathly white, like sea foam. Heimdallr's hair is so white, it almost looks blueish, especially now in the moonlight. The only not-white thing about him are his polychrome irises (and his golden teeth, which the redhead finds kinda freaky).</p><p>Loki doesn't like how ghostly Heimdallr looks. Millennia over millennia of sitting out here, guarding the rainbow bridge and Asgard and the grandson of Ægir and Rán hasn't gained any colour, nor has the weather left a mark on him.</p><p>Loki would tell him how much he dislikes it, but it's not necessary.</p><p>On the other hand he knows that his own colour scheme is funny to Heimdallr. The Watcher doesn't need to say it. And even if he did, Loki would just retort that his shrill disguise befits his nature.</p><p>A gust of wind blows around the watch tower and Heimdallr pulls his fur cloak closer around himself.</p><p>It's a harsh, deep, endless winter, because Baldr is dead and spring will never come again, as long as this old world still is. And it lacks the beauty of previous, normal winters, the strange warmth and rest that used to reflect the blind god Höðr's inner calm (but he's gone, just like his brother Baldr, and with him the beauty of the season).</p><p>Despite his thick fur cloak, Heimdallr shudders.</p><p>Loki notices and spontaneously takes the other's hands – a rare gesture of kindness towards his nemesis.</p><p>Heimdallr doesn't say thank you, but he doesn't have to, because Loki sees the appreciation in those all-seeing rainbow-coloured eyes.</p><p>Heimdallr is a son of the sea. He is rarely cold, but he is never warm either. His body is just cool, like the North Sea and the Atlantic. Feeling the heat radiating from the fire giant is so foreign to him, but it's not necessarily a bad kind of foreign.</p><p>Loki is never cold, born from the all-consuming flames of Muspellheimr, like all of his kind. He can hide his true shape, but his body is burning hot. Sometimes it feels like the fire consumes him from within. He doesn't feel the iciness of the winter. Just the more it surprises him, that he feels the coolness of the Watcher's hands, as he takes them to warm them up.</p><p>“Your hands are cold”, he notes.</p><p>“And yours are burning”, Heimdallr replies. “If I didn't know better, I would think you're trying to make my fingers melt.”</p><p>Loki chuckles: “But you do know better, don't you, Guardian.”</p><p>It's not a question.</p><p>Then the red-haired trickster says something that catches Heimdallr by surprise: “I like that your hands are so cold.”</p><p>The Guardian of Bifröst smiles, which in turn surprises Loki: he has never seen Heimdallr smile before.</p><p>They fall back into silence, each enjoying the other's temperature.</p><p>An outsider who saw them like this, wouldn't suspect, that they're mortal enemies, destined to kill each other.</p><p>In a moment like this, no one would guess that Loki and Heimdallr are adversaries, who hate each other.</p><p>Their enmity is legendary and ineffable; impossible to comprehend even for Óðinn himself.</p><p>The Allfather knows, that they are sitting here and keeping each other company, of course he knows, but he will never know <em>why</em>.</p><p>Because Loki and Heimdallr loathe each other and it makes no sense, that they are sitting here in the silence of a winter night, as if they were friends. The fire giant and the son of the sea are opposites in almost every way. They have next to nothing in common.</p><p>Except for a handful of things, that – once in a blue moon – allow them to spend time with each other without feeling the urge to kill.</p><p>Of course those moments pass quickly and once the sun is up, this night will be forgot.</p><p>The silence lingers, until it's broken again, this time by Loki:</p><p>“I have to leave soon. If Sigyn wakes up and doesn't find me, she will go nuts.”</p><p>Heimdallr suppresses a grin. “And yet, you're in no hurry.”</p><p>“The last days were rough for her”, Loki tells him.</p><p>“And whose fault is that?”</p><p>Loki snorts in response, then continues: “Whatever. She's sleeping in today.”</p><p>Now the Guardian actually does grin, as he remembers how the trickster and his spitfire of a wife have argued the evening before: Sigyn almost never actually obeys her husband, which frustrates Loki and amuses Heimdallr. The fights with his wife about her well-being force Loki to be stern, which goes against his nature. But last evening Sigyn has given in a little sooner, probably because of her exhaustion.</p><p>“You must be tired too”, Heimdallr states. “You have been sitting here with me all night.”</p><p>The fire giant just shrugs. “Not my first all-nighter.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>Loki, in his boundless energy, doesn't need much sleep.</p><p>Neither does Heimdallr. Which is good, because the enemy doesn't sleep. The Guardian often wonders how many of the Aesir are aware, that he's already within the walls of Asgard. Maybe it's just Óðinn and himself, although the White God suspects, that Frigg and Sigyn know.</p><p>“They know”, Loki confirms his unspoken suspicion. “Our wives both know.”</p><p>To anyone else it would seem strange, that the Lie-Smith would admit to not being a friend of the gods.</p><p>But trying to deceive Bifröst's Guardian is pointless.</p><p>Thus Loki doesn't lie to him when it's just the two of them.</p><p>He lies to Óðinn, knowing that the Allfather sees through it, but never to Heimdallr. A rare display of common sense from the most unreasonable person in Asgard.</p><p>“Speaking of fatigue though”, Loki starts again, “I know that you don't need much rest physically, but do you ever feel … <em>weary</em>? Just tired of everything? Aren't you ever done with all the bullshit?”</p><p>“When it comes to <em>your</em> bullshit, always.”</p><p>He gets a snicker in response, but goes on: “As for everything else … no. Not really.”</p><p>Loki grins, not quite a sneer, but just as ugly and his scarred lips make it even worse.</p><p>“Now look who's lying.”</p><p>“…”</p><p>“You're a hypocrite.”</p><p>“And you're a prodigal arsehole.”</p><p>Loki's grin widens. “That I am.”</p><p>But he keeps holding Heimdallr's hand; his way of telling the other that he isn't vexed.</p><p>He feels a gentle squeeze from the other's larger hand, which startles him at first. But then he chuckles softly, seeing the gesture for what it is: a sign that the Watcher hasn't meant to insult him.</p><p>Loki knows, that the jabs weren't meant seriously. When he and Heimdallr fight seriously, they never resort to petty insults (unless Loki is drunk; then he has the tendency to insult everyone).</p><p>Suddenly he notices the Watcher's gloomy expression and is once more caught by surprise.</p><p>It's not the accustomed serious expression that everyone is so familiar with. It's the not-quite-sad, not-quite-neutral expression that masks world-weariness. Sombreness; that's the word.</p><p>And Heimdallr allows Loki to see it, a silent admittance, that he is, indeed, weary.</p><p>The Sly God doesn't know why, but it doesn't suit the White God at all. Strange, he should delight in how tired his nemesis is on the inside. Instead, he decides, that he doesn't like it.</p><p>And he lets the other know so.</p><p>Heimdallr looks a bit startled at the gentle squeeze he receives from Loki's scorching hand. But he relaxes quickly and his face brightens up a little, although he doesn't smile. That's more like it.</p><p>Suddenly Loki has an idea and grins again.</p><p>Heimdallr's eyes narrow. “What are you plotting now, Laufeyjarsón?”</p><p>The trickster snickers: “For once, nothing! I just thought of something funny.”</p><p>The Watcher decides to humour him. “Oh? And what would that be?”</p><p>“Remember that one time we dressed Þórr up as a bride, so we could get Mjöllnir back?”</p><p>Heimdallr chuckles: “Oh yes. He was a beautiful bride indeed.”</p><p>“I will never get over the fact, that it was your idea and not mine!” Loki's giggling stops and he smirks: “Then again, it was your fault the hammer got stolen in the first place.”</p><p>The memory of his own failure makes the Watcher's blood run colder than it already is.</p><p>“But cheer up”, the trickster continues, “As you said, he was a fine bride – until he killed Þrymr and his entire court, of course. A fine bride with a finer bridesmaid. Don't you think so?”</p><p>Heimdallr feels no need to stroke the other's ego.</p><p>But Loki knows the answer already and giggles coyly, like the cocky prick he is.</p><p>However, he doesn't feel like rubbing it in.</p><p>Instead he returns his focus on the hands he is warming with his own. Heimdallr's hands are much larger and more calloused than his. And even though by now they have absorbed a lot of his warmth, they are still cool enough for him to feel it, like cold water on a scorching summer day.</p><p>Now that Loki thinks about it, the last summer dates quite a while back. But how could he ever regret the reason why?</p><p>Heimdallr can tell by the look in Loki's eyes, that he is thinking about the twins. He doesn't comment on it, doesn't point out, that it's all Loki's fault; no need to point out the obvious.</p><p>Instead he continues reading the other's thoughts from his face. They are now on his older children, on Fenrir, Jörmungandr and Hel, his monstrous spawn, who are far, far away, because they are frightening and dangerous and the Aesir collectively want them out of reach.</p><p>For a moment, Loki lets go of Heimdallr's left hand and his own wanders to his cloaked neck (reflexively, as always, when the trickster is thinking of his brood).</p><p>The fire giant notices that the Watcher's eyes are following his hand, grins and opens his cloak to reveal a necklace. It consists of a curl of Hel's yellow and black hair, a tooth from Fenrir and a green scale from Jörmungandr, bordered in gold. Sigyn gave it to her husband, but maybe – just maybe – Heimdallr is just as responsible for its creation.</p><p>Loki has never thanked either of them, at least not out loud. He doesn't have to. They know, because they know, that this necklace means all nine worlds to him, just like Baldr once did to the others.</p><p>Heimdallr doesn't speak, as he watches the other's long, spidery fingers caress the ornament.</p><p>But he blinks in surprise, when Loki's right hand returns to his own left one again.</p><p>“Your hands are still cold”, the smaller god says.</p><p>They are, although not as freezing as they were, before the fire giant decided to warm them.</p><p>“And yours are still hot.”</p><p>“Everything is hot, where I come from.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Believe it or not, I have never felt cold before in my life. Even now … I can feel the blowing of the wind, but I don't feel how cold it is. I know it <em>is</em>, but … well, you get the idea.”</p><p>Loki hesitates, before he goes on: “But now that I'm holding your hands, I actually feel how cold they are.”</p><p>Loki doesn't need to say, that he hates and loves it, because it reminds him of a certain lost loved one. He doesn't need to tell the Watcher, that touching Angrboða has felt similar to him (though she was a frost giant and presumably much colder).</p><p>“Why am I even telling you this?”, Loki questions with a bitter sigh.</p><p>They both know the answer.</p><p>The Guardian has never loved, but he is sympathetic and understanding by nature.</p><p>They hate each other, but even so, if the shapeshifter wants to pour his heart out, Heimdallr will listen and then never speak of it afterwards.</p><p>Heimdallr never pours his heart out, there is nothing to say. The closest thing he comes to doing so is letting Loki <em>see</em>. Let him read between the lines and decipher his silence. And Loki could take advantage of it, rub those moments of weakness into his face. But he never says anything; he sneers and provokes, but he never mentions those moments.</p><p>It's not necessary. After all, they will kill each other at the end of days anyway, so why dwell on insignificant moments?</p><p>After what seems like an hour, the Guardian speaks again: “This will be the last time we sit together like this.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>Heimdallr doesn't question, why Loki is crying or why he keeps holding hands with him, rather than dry his face. Instead he gives those scorching hands another comforting squeeze.</p><p>“Since this is the last time”, the trickster rasps, “I have to ask: why do you never say anything?”</p><p>“Because you don't.”</p><p>Both know, what the other means.</p><p>The trickster cries and laughs bitterly, because he begrudges their fate, because he is tired, sad, angry and hurt that it all came to this and because the only ones he can confide in are his wife and his nemesis.</p><p>“I hate you, Heimdallr. I loathe you with a burning passion. I can't wait to kill you at Ragnarök. I hate how cold and pale you are, how you keep foiling some of my plans, while staying silent about the others. I hate your disgusting kindness and sympathy. I hate, that you're honourable and honest to a fault. I hate, that you listen to me and that you see through my charade. I hate how easily my mask slips, when I'm alone with you. I hate that you know me. I hate you.”</p><p>In spite of himself, Heimdallr smirks.</p><p>“And <em>I</em> hate <em>you</em>, Loki. I despise you with every fibre of my being. Ending your vile existence will be a pleasure. I hate your burning touch and shrill red hair and that you delight in my discomfort, yet keep my secrets to yourself. I hate your malice and your lying, wicked tongue. I hate your mind games and that you, my arch foe, are the one who understands, what I do not say. I hate how you read me like an open book. I hate you.”</p><p>Loki giggles.</p><p>Then he finally lets go of the Watcher's hands to dry his face. He is feeling better now, and his way of saying thank you is asking: “Are you still cold?”</p><p>Heimdallr shakes his head, smiling.</p><p>The fire giant can't help but smile back.</p><p>“I must go now”, he says with his mouth, as he stands up. <em>Thank you for these quiet hours</em>, he says with his eyes.</p><p>“Indeed that would be best”, Heimdallr replies out loud. <em>Thank you for your company</em>, he responds silently.</p><p>Loki nods and grins, then he hops off the tower to return to his house inside the walls of Asgard.</p><p>Heimdallr is left alone again.</p><p>Nothing but the noises of the nine worlds, nearly drowned out by the howling of the icy wind.</p><p>But it doesn't bother him as much as before.</p><p>He shifts on his bank to sit on the spot his enemy has just vacated and finds the wood still very warm. It's not just there; the Guardian feels the lingering heat of his nemesis down to the bone.</p><p>The feeling is foreign, but in a good way. It's strangely comforting in a way that doesn't fit to Loki Laufeyjarsón at all. It warms him to the core of his soul and makes him feel less lonely.</p><p>It's ironic, how Loki, whose heart is ice most of the time, who finds delight in causing trouble and sowing strife, has given his worst enemy a warmth he has never known.</p><p>Heimdallr laughs at the irony and pulls his fur cloak closer to keep that precious warmth for as long as possible.</p><p>He hates Loki.</p><p>He doesn't trust him.</p><p>But in a strange way he does.</p><p>It's truly a peculiar enmity they have.</p><p>Almost friendship, but they don't trust each other, they want to kill each other.</p><p>They understand each other.</p><p>They don't trust each other, yet in a twisted way they do.</p><p>There is a strange freedom in trusting the enemy.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"Know yourself and know your enemy."</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Baldr - Forgiveness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Baldr has a conversation with Loki, before he dies - knowing full well, that his murderer is sitting next to him. It should bother him, but it doesn't. Au contraire, it's a perfect opportunity for them to call each other out on their nonsense.</p><p>Set in the night before Baldr's death.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Baldr – Forgiveness</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Baldr isn't capable of hatred.</p><p>Not of loathing or disgust.</p><p>Not even of spite or malice.</p><p>He is, however, capable of anger and revulsion.</p><p>Even though his anger never lasts long, it's still there. He never shows it; there is no point. Besides, he doesn't want to hurt anyone by lashing out in any way.</p><p>Someone has to be the better person and who, if not him?</p><p>So he chooses to be the role model, the paragon of virtue, the one who brightens up everyone's day. It's actually quite easy; he is just that kind of person. Being kind to others brings him joy. His friendliness and compassion are genuine. His cheerfulness is not. But why?</p><p>Baldr is lucky, oh so lucky.</p><p>He has beauty, wisdom and grace. He has the biggest ship and the fairest, holiest hall in Asgard. He has everyone's love and admiration. He has a lovely wife and a wonderful son.</p><p>So why, <em>why the Niflheimr</em> is he not happy?!</p><p>His smile is brighter than the sun, but it only serves to please others and hide his melancholy.</p><p>Everyone thinks him happy, but he isn't and only four people in Asgard know this.</p><p>Óðinn knows, because of course he does.</p><p>Baldr doesn't talk to his father about his depression, but the Allfather knows anyway. And maybe, just maybe, the light god is grateful, that his father doesn't judge him for it or bring it up.</p><p>Höðr knows too.</p><p>He knows Baldr better than anyone, even though his eyes cannot see. His shadow is like a blanket of comfort, his coolness is soothing. The god of darkness and winter expects nothing from him.</p><p>Heimdallr knows, because nothing escapes him.</p><p>Baldr values the Guardian's understanding and sympathetic nature, so similar to his own. What he values even more is that he doesn't participate, when the other gods throw stuff at him.</p><p>The last person who knows is definitely the most problematic one: Loki.</p><p>Baldr wishes, that the red-haired trickster would like him at least a little bit – after all, they are by oath uncle and nephew. That will never be, though: Loki wants him dead and will indeed be the one to bring on his imminent demise.</p><p>Baldr doesn't even know why Loki hates him so much (it's not like the older god has ever told him, what his problem is; he always scoffs and turns away, when Baldr tries to talk to him). He only knows, that he will die at the other's hands. And he knows exactly how, too – his prophetic nightmares are very vivid.</p><p>Maybe he should hate Loki for being his future murderer.</p><p>But he doesn't.</p><p>He is still angry at him, though.</p><p>You can't frame Höðr for murder and expect the prospective murder victim not to be angry!</p><p> </p><p>Loki hates everything about Baldr.</p><p>Everything.</p><p>He hates, that the blondie is Óðinn's son.</p><p>He hates, that the young god is so pretty, graceful, wise and sweet.</p><p>He hates, that everyone loves that goody-two-shoes and fusses about him, when he shows the slightest hint of distress. Frigg has made literally everything in all nine worlds swear, that it wouldn't harm her “precious baby boy”! Well, almost everything – a twig of mistletoe was too young to sign legally binding contracts, she said. But still!</p><p>It makes him sick, so sick. Seeing Baldr makes his blood boil. Hearing his voice makes him want to retch and when he has to make body contact for whatever reason, his flesh crawls beneath his skin.</p><p>Dwarves don't loathe the sun as much as Loki loathes Baldr.</p><p>One of the reasons is, of course, envy.</p><p>No surprise there, the trickster knows his own nature. Of course he wouldn't say that out loud, but he's quite sure, that most people already know.</p><p>But they don't know, just <em>how</em> envious he is.</p><p>Loki is the one, who does all the shit work for the Aesir! Not Baldr! Yet <em>he</em> gets all the praise and love, even though all he does is being a hippie and making decisions that can't be undone! So why does Sunny Boy get all the love and positive attention?! That's so unfair, it's physically painful!</p><p>But that's not the only reason for his envy.</p><p>Óðinn is nothing, if not a loving father, Loki knows this. The Allfather loves all of his many children equally, although he has the stupidest way of showing it.</p><p>But he doesn't love all of <em>Loki's</em> children.</p><p>Once upon a time, Loki and Óðinn mixed their blood and vowed brotherhood, swearing to treat the other's children as their own. But apparently that doesn't go for Fenrir, Jörmungandr and Hel. The trickster knows, that the triplets are dangerous, but that's no excuse for their treatment!</p><p>There has been a time, when the trickster loved Baldr and Höðr like they were his own. But that was before his own children were banished. The twins know nothing; they were toddlers back then. And if the Æsir refuse to tell them about it, why should <em>he</em>?</p><p>It doesn't matter anyhow.</p><p>Loki will do anything to send them to Hel. And it will be the greatest satisfaction to see the horror on the Æsir's faces and hurt Óðinn and Frigg in the worst way possible.</p><p> </p><p>Baldr is sitting on the roof of his house and judging by the position of the moon, it's almost midnight.</p><p>It's wonderfully quiet, when everyone is asleep. It relaxes him, when he is shaken from a nightmare.</p><p>Normally, he would go and cry on his brother's shoulder, but he doesn't want to wake him.</p><p>So sitting on his roof and watching the moon and stars is the second option.</p><p>He feels a presence behind him and smiles lopsidedly: “Why am I not surprised, that you got through the barrier on my house?”</p><p>A slightly higher, more feminine voice retorts: “Maybe it's because there is nothing I cannot do? And what about you? Why am <em>I</em> not surprised, that you're doing something as dangerous as sitting on a roof, instead of lying with your wife?”</p><p>Baldr laughs softly and finally turns around: “What is this I see? Loki actually seeking my company and talking to me? What a sensation!”</p><p>Loki snorts: “And what is this I hear? <em>Irony</em> from the mouth of the paragon of perfection? Never thought I would live to see that moment!”</p><p>The blond rolls his eyes: “We both know, that I will never be perfect, no matter how hard I try. But seriously; how did you get in? The force field around my property is supposed to keep out everyone with malicious or improper intent.”</p><p>The redhead smirks: “Please, I know what spells Frigg used to put the barrier up. And for every spell in the world, there is a counter spell to match.”</p><p>“Huh. Figures.”</p><p>It's only now that Baldr notices, that Loki is floating in mid-air – he must be wearing his air-walking shoes.</p><p>“Mind if I sit with you?”, the trickster asks.</p><p>“You already invaded my property and didn't ask my permission.”</p><p>“Good point.”</p><p>Baldr moves over and allows Loki to sit next to him.</p><p>He can't decide, if he's happy, that his “uncle” is actually initiating a conversation for once, or if he's suspicious as to <em>why</em>.</p><p>Loki sees no point in dispelling the other's suspicions.</p><p>“What are you doing up here in the middle of the night?”, he questions. “Couldn't deal with your nightmares again?”</p><p>“That and I wanted to see the night sky one last time, before I die.”</p><p>“So you know.”</p><p>“You already knew, that I know.”</p><p>The fire giant frowns. “You're oddly casual about it. After all that fuss about your nightmares.”</p><p>He receives a frown in return.</p><p>“Uncle, there is a difference between knowing that you're going to die no matter what, and suffering from perpetual sleep-deprivation.”</p><p>“Yes, I suppose there is.”</p><p>They fall back into silence for a while.</p><p>Baldr is the first to speak again: “So, what gives me the honour of you finally talking to me, uncle? You have never done that before.”</p><p>Loki shrugs: “I'll be honest for once; I don't know.”</p><p>Another moment of awkward silence.</p><p>Finally, the Bright One notes: “The stars are very beautiful tonight.”</p><p>Loki chuckles: “Yes, but that's nothing special to me. If I want to see the stars, I just need to look at my wife. She has the night sky in her hair.”</p><p>Sigyn, Baldr's starry-haired half-sister.</p><p>Baldr doesn't like how shrewish and abrasive she is, but she is also the most reliable, selfless person he knows.</p><p>It's a matter of fact, that Loki is a terrible husband; often absent, treacherous, a liar and definitely a pervert. But no matter how much his wife gives him hell for his nonsense, he can count on her unwavering strength and loyalty, for better or worse. Baldr wishes his own wife was half that loyal (as if he didn't know about her tryst with his brother Hermóðr), then again he has done nothing to earn her loyalty either.</p><p>He is about to ask, if the shapeshifter loves Sigyn, but then Loki continues: “In fact, dare I say, that the night sky in all its splendour could never measure up to Sigyn's hair.”</p><p>Baldr smiles; that's all the answer he needs. “So you do love her.”</p><p>The trickster chuckles.</p><p>He will never be able to tell his wife these words, but it's a truth everyone is aware of. When and why his tomboyish wife decided, that he is worth travelling all nine worlds for, is beyond him. But it is so. The ornament around his neck too severely proves it.</p><p>Of course Baldr has noticed the necklace Loki is wearing.</p><p>“I like your necklace”, he tells the older god. And immediately wishes he didn't: Loki's smile disappears and is replaced by a scowl.</p><p>“It's beautiful, isn't it?” The fire giant's voice is cold.</p><p>“It really is. There is just something about it, that makes it better than Brisingamen.”</p><p>That seems to mollify the older god.</p><p>“You're damn right. It's the best one in all nine worlds. I wouldn't give it up for anything.”</p><p>“May I hold it? Just for a moment?”</p><p>Loki's eyes narrow. But then he relents and takes it off. “If I didn't know, that your hands are so careful, I wouldn't agree to this. Consider this the last and only favour I will ever do to you.”</p><p>Baldr beams at him and takes it gingerly. To him this is more than just a favour.</p><p>The necklace lies comfortably in his glowing hand.</p><p>Now that he sees it up close and touches it with his own fingers, he can tell, what makes it so beautiful: it's self-made. Only the gold bordering is dwarf's work. This piece of jewellery has a personality, which Brisingamen lacks. Each component has a story, he can feel it.</p><p>“Do you want to know, <em>what</em> it is?”</p><p>It's not a question.</p><p>“I'm all ears”, Baldr agrees. If Loki wants to tell him the story, who is he to refuse?</p><p>So Loki begins to explain: “This necklace was a gift from Sigyn … and from my children.”</p><p>“Not Nari and Narfi, I assume?”</p><p>“No. Not them.”</p><p>Loki sighs heavily and Baldr marvels; he has never heard the older god sigh before.</p><p>Then he elaborates: “The carved tooth is from my eldest son Fenrir. The bordered green scale comes from my second son Jörmungandr. And the curl of black and blonde hair belongs to my daughter Hel. The golden chain is from my wife. And she is the one, who made this.”</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Baldr feels not just a little uncomfortable, as he gives the necklace back to Loki, who immediately puts it back onto his neck, where it belongs.</p><p>“I didn't know they're your children”, the Bright One whispers.</p><p>“Of course you didn't!”, the trickster spits scornfully. “Your family talks about bravery in battle, but they would never gather up the spine to tell you about all the crap they've pulled!”</p><p>Loki can tell, that Baldr wants to ask what he means, but fears to anger him even more.</p><p>“Why don't you ask my daughter dear?”, he hisses, “After all, you will join her soon! I'm sure, she will be <em>delighted</em> to tell you, what happened back then!”</p><p>“By soon you mean tomorrow, I assume?”</p><p>That question is so sudden, that the fire giant forgets his anger.</p><p>“Yes and no”, he explains, “Travelling down there takes a while. And you won't be able to without the funeral rites. She told me so, last time I spoke to her. And that she has already prepared everything for your arrival.”</p><p>Charming.</p><p>“I'm honoured”, Baldr replies and Loki is surprised by how genuine that sentence is.</p><p>“I seriously don't understand how you're so calm about it. How are you so cavalier about the fact, that I am going to murder you tomorrow?”</p><p>“Today”, Baldr corrects and points at the clock tower near his father's hall Valhalla. It's almost 1am now. “And it's rather bold of you to assume, that I'm not angry.”</p><p>“I didn't say that. But do you not hate me? Knowing that I will be the one to send you to my daughter's realm?”</p><p>The blond shakes his head. “No. I do not hate you. I'm not even angry, because you want to kill me. It's something else, that ticks me off.”</p><p>“Oh? Do enlighten me!”</p><p>So he does: “What makes me angry is that you want to pull my twin into this. I'm not afraid to die – not even averse to it. And if you don't want to tell me, why you hate me so much, fine. But tricking Höðr into killing me, knowing that it will break him, that he will have to live with the guilt, until my father spawns another child, specifically to kill him? For that I would hit you.” A wry smile. “But I have never done such a thing before, so I'd probably punch like a little girl.”</p><p>Loki cackles: “Oh my! Looks like Asgard's golden boy has something in him after all!”</p><p>“Whatever you say, uncle.”</p><p>The cackling stops abruptly. “Don't call me that.”</p><p>The younger god smiles apologetically.</p><p>The red-haired trickster glares at him.</p><p>“Norns, how I hate, when you make that face! Actually, I hate everything about you.”</p><p><em>Oh my dad, here it comes</em>, Baldr thinks and readies himself for a torrent of hatred.</p><p>Of course he could ask the redhead to just tell him that he hates him and be done with it. But he knows that Loki needs to get this off his chest, so he will listen.</p><p>“I despise you, boy”, the fire giant snarls.</p><p>“My contempt for you is beyond words. If I could, I would set you on fire, watch you die a slow and agonising death and I would laugh. I hate your pretty face. Hearing your voice makes me want to retch. Everyone adores you, but what exactly have you done to earn it? What gave them the idea, that you're perfect?! <em>You</em>! Don't make me laugh! We both know the truth, don't we? Pathetic, that's what you are! You call yourself a pacifist, but in truth you're just a coward, who pats himself on the back. Why your verdicts are final is a mystery to me – no matter how wise you are, even <em>you</em> can be wrong sometimes – and boy, can that ever be fatal! <em>I</em> have given the Æsir far more than <em>you</em> ever have! <em>I</em> tricked the dwarves into forging the greatest treasures for you! When have I ever got so much as a thanks from them?! And you! You just say a single word and all eyes are on you! When a giant threatens Asgard, it's either Freyja or you they want, because you're oh so fucking pretty! What everyone perceives as perfection is just a facade! You can't even deal with your nightmares – seriously, it's always the same one, shouldn't you be used to it by now? And your family life! My roller coaster of a marriage with Sigyn is more functional than you and Nanna! The only thing that keeps you two together is your son and your fear of scandal! The way you always act so cheerful makes me sick! You're more depressed than your <em>mother</em> is, but at least she has the excuse of knowing the future! And you still pretend, that everything is sunshine and rainbows and it pisses me off! How is it, that I am the liar here, when you are the one who's so fake, it hurts?! I can't wait to kill you! They will bawl their eyes out over your corpse and I will stand there and smile upon your body, that's how satisfying it will be! Ooohhh, how I hate you!!!”</p><p>Wow.</p><p>Baldr never thought, that it's possible to spew so much hatred and envy at once. Then again, there is nothing Loki isn't capable of.</p><p>He needs a while to let that sink in, before he responds.</p><p>“… I'm impressed. You certainly took me for a ride here.”</p><p>“Did I now”, Loki growls.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“And? What are you going to say about it?”</p><p>“Just this: now that you got it off your chest, will you listen to what I have to say?”</p><p>The older god sighs: “I suppose I must – it's only fair.”</p><p>Baldr takes a deep breath, then he begins to talk: “I'm sad, that you hate me. You probably already know, just wanted to clear that up. And you are right about two things: my happiness is faked and my marriage is a catastrophe. But let me tell you this – the rest of me is not. If I want to please everyone, it's because their joy delights me. I don't help people, because it's my duty, or because I want praise, I do it, because I enjoy it. I love making others happy. If my own happiness is the price, then so be it. You on the other hand, oh man! Do you ever do something good of your own volition, just for someone else's sake? Something that doesn't involve you causing trouble beforehand? You only got those treasures for us, <em>after</em> you decided that cutting off Sif's hair would be funny. Branding a woman as an adulterer is <em>not</em> funny, Loki.”</p><p>“She is, though”, the fire giant mutters. “And guess with whom.”</p><p>“Do spare me, I beg you. Besides, it's rather hypocritical of you to lecture me about my marriage. I can't blame Nanna for having an affair, because the Norns know, I'm not remotely close to being the loving husband I should be. By Mimir's head, I can count on one hand, how often I have even slept with her, so of course she would look elsewhere for what I cannot give. But <em>Sigyn</em> can certainly blame <em>you</em>! You must have slept with more people, than you have freckles! You must be – pardon my language – the biggest man-slut in Asgard! Then you're almost never home! No wonder Sigyn is mad at you 24/7! She may be a spitfire, but she's my big sister and she deserves better! Do you have the faintest idea how lucky you are, to be married to the strongest, most loyal woman in all nine worlds?! A woman's loyalty must be earned, but you wouldn't know loyalty, if it slapped you in the face – which I know it does, because she's not some push-over housewife you can treat however you want!”</p><p>He takes a deep breath to compose himself.</p><p>Loki is gawking at him, which makes him feel incredibly awkward. This has gone too far, really. He didn't mean to talk himself into a rage like that. In his defence though, he just got a hate speech from his uncle/prospective murderer and he really, <em>really</em> needs a nap.</p><p>“Do forgive me”, he apologises, “I didn't mean to lash out at you.”</p><p>“Are you kidding?!”, the trickster exclaims and bursts into laughter. “You're so much better, when you drop your stupid mask! I didn't think you had it in you!”</p><p>Baldr chuckles: “It's easy to drop the masquerade, when you're a dead man. And there is a certain beauty in letting you see it. Do you know why?”</p><p>“Because it's easy to be honest to the one, who will kill you. There is no need to keep up a facade in front of your future murderer.”</p><p>Baldr smiles and nods. He is glad, that his uncle understands.</p><p>“I'm truly sorry, that you hate me”, he tells him softly. “I really wish we could get along.”</p><p>The other compresses his scarred lips into a thin line.</p><p>“Not a chance, Baldr Óðinnsón. I hate you and you must and will die.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>Loki hates, how world-weary, how okay with dying this young man is.</p><p>And he hates even more, that he hates it. Because it makes him aware of something, that terrifies him. It's so terrifying, that his hands begin to tremble in his lap.</p><p>He quickly digs his fingers into his trousers to hide it, but the blondie has already noticed and is looking at him with concern.</p><p>“Don't you dare pity me!”, he hisses venomously.</p><p>“I'm not pitying you”, Baldr tells him gently. “I'm feeling compassionate. Don't confuse pity with compassion.”</p><p>“I don't want either!”</p><p>“I know, I know. But I can't help it. I told you, I do not hate you like you hate me.”</p><p>Loki really wants to wipe that disgusting, sweet smile off the boy's face.</p><p>“I'm glad, that it's you, uncle.”</p><p>“I told you no- wait, what?!”</p><p>Baldr tries not to laugh at the trickster's flabbergasted expression.</p><p>“Did I shock you? Sorry, I mean to say … I'm glad that you're the one to send me to Hel, because … well, you hate me and you won't feel guilty for killing me. I hate when people feel guilty, because of me. Stupid logic, I know. But I wouldn't want it to be anyone else. That's one of the reasons, why it angers me so, that you want to instrumentalise my brother. If it was just you, I could easily forgive you-”</p><p>“I don't want your fucking-”</p><p>“Let me finish! If it was just you, I could easily forgive you. Because I'm currently so resigned to my fate, that I don't even care anymore. I just want it all to end. In a way, you're doing me a favour.”</p><p>“… You're insane.”</p><p>Baldr snorts: “No, that would be you. I'm just depressed and world-worn. Also very much sleep-deprived. And it's 2am, so I haven't had my morning coffee either.”</p><p>“You're definitely insane”, Loki insists.</p><p>“Probably”, the other gives in. “Not that it matters now.”</p><p>He still has a few questions though.</p><p>“What are you doing up anyway?”</p><p>“I have nightmares too, boy. But unlike you, I don't whine to everyone about it.” A huff. “Then again, the only one who cares is Sigyn.”</p><p>“I do too.”</p><p>“That's because you're a goody-two-shoes. You would care, if a <em>rock</em> had nightmares.”</p><p>“Well, you're a bipedal fire, so close enough.”</p><p>“Well, <em>you're</em> a bipedal firefly.”</p><p>The Bright One chortles. That's certainly a funny way to describe the way he glows!</p><p>Then, as he turns his gaze back to the stars, he remembers another thing he always wanted to know.</p><p>“Loki?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Where do the stars come from?”</p><p>“Ah, I remember that. Your father and his brothers made most of them. They used to be sparks from the flames of Múspellheimr, where I come from. But some of them are my creation.”</p><p>He points up to a particularly bright star.</p><p>“See that one? I'm the one who made it, it burns through me. It used to be called Lokabrenna, but the humans call it Sirius now.”</p><p>Baldr beams at him in delight, because Sirius just so happens to be one of his favourite stars.</p><p>Loki's grin turns into a bittersweet smile. “You should have seen your father back then. What a man! I couldn't help but like him immediately. The way we were back then … we had so much in common!”</p><p>The younger god can feel the sadness and nostalgia radiating from the older. He doesn't find it hard to believe him; even today, Óðinn sometimes still has a roguish twinkle and laughter in his grey eye, though it becomes rarer and rarer to see. It's no wonder Loki was hooked, when the two were younger.</p><p>He sighs: “You know, his smile back then looked just like yours. It was full of warmth and integrity. You and your brother got that from him.”</p><p>That sentence takes the god of light by surprise; he always thought, that he got it from his mother.</p><p>But he has no time to ponder on it, because Loki shocks him by starting to cry.</p><p>“Shit”, the trickster mutters and wipes his eyes on his sleeve. “I promised myself to never shed a tear over this! And in front of <em>you</em> too!”</p><p>Baldr fishes a paper tissue out of his pocket and hands it to him. Of course he doesn't get a thank you, but Loki is the last person he'd expect one from anyway.</p><p>“Fuck you! Your twin and your father too!”, the redhead rasps randomly.</p><p>At this point it sounds rather forced, but Baldr doesn't voice that.</p><p>“I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, <em>I hate you</em>!”</p><p>Loki freezes, when the younger god embraces him. Once he realises what is going on, he is tempted to push the blond off the roof and test, if gravity has also sworn an oath, but he doesn't. Instead he allows himself to weep – silently; he refuses to be a bawling, snivelling mess. He feels the other's left hand pat his upper back in comfort.</p><p>The awareness from earlier returns full force and the trickster hates it with all his might.</p><p>Most of the gods aren't aware of it, but he's actually just a little older than Óðinn (a few decades, maybe). He knows the Æsir so well. He can count on one hand how many of the Allfather's children he hasn't known since their childhood.</p><p>He was there, when the twins were born, even got to hold them in his arms. Back then he loved them. That time is long gone now and he hates them both, he hates almost all of Óðinn's children at this point.</p><p>“I hate you! Go to fucking Helheim!”</p><p>“I know and I will”, Baldr responds way too gently. “Also, love you too, uncle.”</p><p>“How dare you-”</p><p>“Shhhhh.”</p><p>It takes a while for Loki to calm down. When he eventually does, he winds himself out of Baldr's hug and clears his throat.</p><p>“Alright, this is enough. More of this sap and I'll puke.”</p><p>Baldr knows, when it's better to shut up.</p><p>They fall back into silence, but it's more comfortable this time.</p><p>It's already past 3am, when he speaks up: “One last question.”</p><p>Loki groans and rolls his eyes, but consents.</p><p>“Will your daughter be kind?”</p><p><em>Or will she take whatever grudge she has out on me?</em> - the trickster can hear the untold part of the question in the boy's voice.</p><p>He thinks for a moment.</p><p>If he knows his daughter at all, she won't take her grudges on Óðinn out on Baldr. She <em>could</em> and would be in the right, if she did. But she wouldn't. Hel is bigger than that – besides Baldr is the purest being in Asgard (as much as Loki loathes to admit it). And Hel really likes cute, beautiful things (she got that from her mother, he remembers).</p><p>Of course he could tell Baldr, that she would make his afterlife Náströnd, but for some reason he chooses to be honest.</p><p>“Well, unlike the rest of Asgard, you and your brother don't actually have a skeleton in your closet, so you have nothing to fear. She is a just goddess. You will be in good hands with her. In fact, dare I say that, if you can look past her appearance, you will even like her.”</p><p>Baldr feels significantly more at ease hearing these words.</p><p>Enough at ease, that he chortles, when Loki adds: “Just don't mention the Christians. Or horses; the only horse she likes is Sleipnir.”</p><p>“Noted.”</p><p>All of the sudden Baldr yawns – once again overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, that reminds him of his sleep-deprivation.</p><p>“My soul for good sleep!”, he jokes.</p><p>Loki smirks at him: “That can be arranged – I'm sure your soul is valuable enough to service as appropriate payment.”</p><p>The god of light bursts into laughter.</p><p>Once he settles down, he smiles at the redhead. “I haven't laughed this much in years. Thank you, uncle.”</p><p>Loki doesn't chide him this time.</p><p>Instead, and much to his surprise, he rolls his eyes and huffs: “Sleep, boy. I'll see to it, that your last nap in Heaven will be peaceful.”</p><p>It takes Baldr a second to realise, that the fire giant is inviting him to rest his head on his shoulder.</p><p>He wants to say no and tell the older to go to sleep of his own, instead of spending the rest of the night on this roof with him. But he is just so incredibly tired, that he allows himself to be selfish for once in his life.</p><p>The trickster's scorching temperature seeps through the fire-proof clothing and somehow it makes the Bright One feel like he's wrapped in a warm blanket. He's asleep within seconds.</p><p>Loki notices how the younger man's body relaxes and slumps against his right side. And of course he has also noticed, how the other's glow intensified, when he laughed genuinely.</p><p>He sighs, wraps an arm around the other's shoulder and glares down at the shock of platinum blond hair.</p><p>
  <em>I hate you and your children, Óðinn. But what I hate even more, is that I love them as well.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Odin - Mourning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Óðinn and Loki have a last, messed-up conversation. It's about how things are, how they once were and why they are the way they are now. They have a lot of blame to share.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Óðinn – Mourning</b>
</p><p> </p><p>The Allfather will freely admit, that he isn't omniscient (even though he wishes he was).</p><p>But that doesn't change the fact, that he is aware of a lot of things.</p><p>He is aware, that a lot of the worlds' evils are his own fault.</p><p>He is aware, that he has started most of it.</p><p>He is aware of the mistake he made in his treatment of Angrboða and her children (ah, the beauty of hindsight!).</p><p>He is aware, that he was the first to ruin the brotherly bond he and Loki once had.</p><p>There is no denying, that he is guilty.</p><p>“<em>Óðinn! My children! My little ones! My boys and my little girl, they are gone! Where are they?! Where are my children? WHERE ARE MY CHILDREN?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THEM?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??? GIVE THEM BACK TO ME! GIVE THEM BACK!!! GIVE ME BACK MY CHILDREN!!!”</em></p><p>Loki's anguished and hysterical shrieking rings in his ears to this day.</p><p>But it's too late now, too late to rectify the mistake he has made. Even if the trickster's baleful brood chose to forgive him (and Óðinn isn't stupid enough to think they ever could or <em>would</em>), freeing them and bringing them back would still be too dangerous.</p><p>That's why they must be kept away from Asgard and Midgard.</p><p>Óðinn knows, that Loki will never understand this, but he has to prioritise the well-being of several entire races over that of three monstrous, insanely powerful children – especially, if those children are destined to destroy the existing world. Jörmungandr encompasses the entirety of Midgard and Fenrir is as large as the mountains of Utgard. Hel equals him in power, but never in his life has he seen such dark, unhallowed magic contained in one little girl's body. It would be impossible to keep them in Heaven anyway; they would destroy everything without even wanting to, way before Ragnarök is scheduled to happen.</p><p>He couldn't allow that to happen.</p><p>Fate cannot be avoided, but he'll be damned, if he won't do anything to <em>postpone</em> it!</p><p>Of course he has regrets, but he only does what must be done.</p><p>As the Allfather, it's his duty to protect those he rules over.</p><p>If he is a war monger, it's because he needs warriors for Valhalla. Warriors, who will face and stop the troops of Hel, when Ragnarök comes.</p><p>If he allows his son Þórr to slay as many giants as possible, it's to ensure that enough gods will survive the Fate of the Gods to make the world anew and not commit the mistakes their forefathers made.</p><p>If he does nothing to prevent the death of his dear sons, of nearly his entire race, of many others as well, it's because the cosmos needs to die, before it can be reborn.</p><p>And most of all … if he used to keep Loki Laufeyjarsón close to him, it was to keep a better eye on him.</p><p>That and because he couldn't imagine life without his wily blood-brother.</p><p>The fire giant has been family to him the moment they met – they had been soul friends.</p><p>He knows, that for the other it is … <em>used</em> to be the same.</p><p>Loki knows him so well, only his beloved companion Frigg knows him better.</p><p>Even today, Óðinn sees the fire giant as his brother, no matter the terrible things they have both done to each other.</p><p>The Allfather grieves for his beloved twins. Everybody knows that.</p><p>But he also grieves for the first friend he ever had, wishes that he could have spared him his fate. Nobody knows that, except for Frigg.</p><p>However, it's blood for blood and both of them have always known this.</p><p>Of course he knows, why the trickster has done all of it, why there is no going back, why he will never be forgiven.</p><p>He knows, that behind the other's nonchalant facade, hatred has been boiling for a long time.</p><p>But Óðinn is a dutiful ruler – he will always put the world and its people first. Because he loves them, even those who aren't his flesh and blood. He isn't called the “Allfather” for nothing.</p><p>When it's the well-being of a few versus that of trillions of creatures, there is no room for dispute.</p><p>The world, despite all the evil in it, is still beautiful and full of splendour and goodness and it gives him joy, because <em>he</em> is the one, who made it (and his brothers, but they are gone forever, they will never come back).</p><p>It's too early for all of this to die.</p><p>And if the price for preserving it is his former best friend's love, then so be it.</p><p> </p><p>Loki is a lot of things.</p><p>Forgiving is not one of them.</p><p>And Óðinn would be a fool, if he believed, that Loki would ever forgive him.</p><p>Yes, the trickster knows, that he lost all sympathy when he murdered Baldr and consequently brought on the death of Höðr.</p><p>But Óðinn is the one, who started it!</p><p>God of wisdom and knowledge his arse!</p><p>The Allfather should have thought of the bullshit that would happen, <em>before</em> he banished and mistreated Loki's eldest children!</p><p>Binding Fenrir, who only ever wanted to be accepted by the gods! Flinging Jörmungandr into the goddamn ocean surrounding Midgard and allowing Þórr to nearly bash his skull in! Literally sending Hel to Niflheimr! Using Sleipnir as his steed, as if he was just a regular horse! And don't even get him started on the fact, that he is currently chained to three rocks and has a snake above his head, dropping acidic venom onto his face. And this isn't even the worst of it: the chains he is bound with are the entrails of one of his sons! They turned Narfi into a wolf and made him tear apart his own brother – before killing him too and using Nari's guts to bind their father! The guts have turned into chains and are magically enhanced; it takes a lot of magic to bind the wily trickster.</p><p>Loki doesn't even know how long he has been bound now and he feels the last shreds of his sanity slipping away. He would have lost it a long time ago, if it wasn't for his faithful companion.</p><p>Raising Sigyn to unconditional loyalty is the one thing Óðinn has done right.</p><p>But apart from this, the Raven God has fucked up big time. Like, really big. Bigger than Fenrir and Jörmungandr and their size is mind-boggling.</p><p>The fire giant isn't just in physical pain.</p><p>He is consumed by hatred, wrath, hurt, lust for revenge … and heartbreak.</p><p>Sure, he brought his own torment upon himself, he won't deny that.</p><p>But that his beloved children had to pay for his mistakes, is more than he can bear.</p><p>The Sly God weeps once in a blue moon, but when he does, he has a lot of tears to shed.</p><p>He weeps for his children, for their fate. For his wife and her lot. For his own fate and because of the pain he's in.</p><p>For the good times, the unique bonds and friendships he once had, when he was still counted as one of the Æsir.</p><p>And for the amazing adventures he, his blood-brother and his friends went on, the crazy things they went through, the fun they shared … the <em>laughter</em>.</p><p>What he doesn't shed is tears of remorse; he doesn't regret bringing the twins to the pyre, not for one second! It has been done and he would do it again!</p><p>He did it for revenge, which Óðinn definitely knows.</p><p>He did it out of hatred and spite, which Óðinn obviously also knows.</p><p>He did it for other reasons, which Óðinn will never know and Loki will never tell.</p><p>Óðinn will never forgive him for the death of his twins.</p><p>It's a certainty Loki can trust in.</p><p>The trickster doesn't blame the Allfather, because the feeling is absolutely mutual.</p><p>Loki will never forgive.</p><p>Never.</p><p> </p><p>He feels the Allfather's presence, before Sigyn opens her mouth to address him.</p><p>“What brings you here, my father.”</p><p>Her tone is cold. Yet she still calls him her father, because she is kinder and more forgiving than Loki could ever be.</p><p>From the corner of his eye, he catches her lift a questioning brow at the intruder.</p><p>As the tall, black-haired and one-eyed Raven God comes into view, Loki can't see anything more than his silhouette; it's dark in the cave.</p><p>But he can see, that Huginn and Muninn are perched on his shoulder as always.</p><p>The fire giant projects his inner heat unto the surface, until his skin is gleaming like red-hot metal and his long red hair turns into liquid fire, illuminating the cave. Sigyn takes a step back to prevent her dress from catching fire, but leans forward to still hold the bowl over his head.</p><p>Now he can see the Allfather's face clearly.</p><p>He scoffs: “Oh my, my, my! What a surprise to see you here, my <em>dear brother</em>! Have you been <em>yearning</em> for me? Have you finally decided, that you can't live without me and come to free me?”</p><p>What he means is: <em>You have quite some nerve showing your face here.</em></p><p>Óðinn's expression and tone are blank, as he responds: “Keep dreaming, Laufeyjarsón.”</p><p>“Was worth a try”, Loki jokes and would have shrugged, but he can't move his shoulders.</p><p>Óðinn catches his daughter and the trickster by surprise, when he opens his cloak with his free hand, revealing the big bowl he has been hiding underneath. It's full of golden apples and bigger than the one Sigyn is holding above her husband's face. He carefully takes the apples out of it and puts them onto a nearby rock, before turning to her.</p><p>“Your bowl is nearly full”, he tells his daughter, “And you're tired. Go and rest a little, my child. I will be here for a while and what I have to tell your husband is confidential.”</p><p>Sigyn's eyes narrow and they have a little staring contest, until she finally gives in.</p><p>The Raven God holds his bigger bowl in place of his daughter's and his face is grim, as he stares down onto his former friend's grotesque visage.</p><p>The trickster used to be drop-dead gorgeous in his regular chosen shape.</p><p>Now he is almost skin and bones and his skin is scarred from struggling in his chains. His once beautiful face is disfigured by the acidic poison dropping onto it, when Sigyn has to empty her bowl.</p><p>“As you can see”, Loki rasps cynically, “Several millennia of wasting away in here haven't made me prettier.”</p><p>“Your outside is almost resembling your inside”, Óðinn retorts. “Add long fangs and claws and then it's perfect.”</p><p>The Wolf's Father laughs – a balking, guttural, forsooth blood-curdling sound (so much unlike the silvery snicker the Allfather used to know).</p><p>The one-eyed god wonders, how it's physically possible for a being literally born from primordial flames to have such a frigid laugh.</p><p>Then again, there is nothing Loki can't do.</p><p>“Nothing is impossible”, the trickster used to say and indeed, it has always seemed to Óðinn, like there is no obstacle the other cannot overcome. It used to inspire the Raven God, encouraged him to push his own limits, to go further and further, to where no one has never been. The shapeshifter has always been so good at motivation … it's one of the things Óðinn once liked – no, still likes about the other.</p><p>Of course Loki recognises the look in the Allfather's silver grey eye.</p><p>“Thinking of the old days?”</p><p>“Good times”, Óðinn recalls.</p><p>He and Loki look deep into each other's eyes and they know, they're thinking the same.</p><p>They miss those old times.</p><p>They miss <em>each other</em>.</p><p>But neither will say it or allow himself to be truly nostalgic. It would rip them to shreds.</p><p>The old days are gone, they will never come back, they can't be brought back and the bond the Allfather and the shapeshifter once had can never be repaired.</p><p>They are not the men they once were.</p><p>Their vengefulness towards each other is really all they have left now.</p><p>Deep melancholy hovers over them, as they reflect on this.</p><p>Then Loki huffs: “What do you want, Óðinn?”</p><p>Of course Óðinn notices the thinly-veiled hostility, but he doesn't comment on it. It's not like he can fault the other for being hostile, after all.</p><p>“Talk”, he answers bluntly.</p><p>Loki's eyes narrow.</p><p>“Talk”, he echoes flatly. “Talk. You chained me to three rocks with the entrails of my own flesh and blood and expect to have a civil conversation with me.”</p><p>The fire giant is <em>this</em> close to erupting, but if he did, the cave would collapse and kill them both.</p><p>So he takes a deep breath and decides to humour his former blood-brother.</p><p>“Fine. What do you want to … <em>talk</em> about?”</p><p>“Just the old times.”</p><p>This angers Loki so much, that he struggles violently in his chains and flares enough to nearly set the other's clothes ablaze.</p><p>Óðinn looks unimpressed, but his ravens shift nervously.</p><p>“If I were you, I would watch that fire. After all, I am currently holding a bowl over your head.”</p><p>“And you expect me to be grateful?!”, the shapeshifter hisses. “How dare you – how dare you show your face around here and expect me to want to talk to you about the past?! After all what happened since then! You … you …”</p><p>Before he can spew out insults, his strength leaves him and he collapses back onto the rock with a groan. Being bound and tortured here for ages has weakened him considerably.</p><p>His flames grow dimmer and dimmer, until he is back to his disfigured godly form and the cave is as dark as before.</p><p>Óðinn shakes his head and uses his free hand to conjure a small ball of light to illuminate the place.</p><p>“I hate you!”, Loki growls weakly.</p><p>The Allfather chuckles: “Something else, that's not new?”</p><p>“Go to Helheimr!”</p><p>“After Ragnarök.”</p><p>“I hope my son will chew you thoroughly, before he swallows you!”</p><p>“Wolves can't chew, Loptr.”</p><p>“Fuck you, Fenrir isn't like other wolves!”</p><p>“No, sadly not.”</p><p>They fall silent for a while.</p><p>When Óðinn is sure, that his now enemy is calm enough, he asks: “Do you remember?”</p><p>
  <em>How we met?</em>
</p><p>Loki looks at him tiredly. “Everything”, he breathes. “I remember everything.”</p><p>“Me too. I had just given my eye to drink from the Well of Wisdom and gained the runes by hanging myself from Yggdrasil.”</p><p>“I found you lying unconsciously on the ground, after you fell off the tree.” A quiet chuckle. “You looked really nasty. At first I thought you were dead, until you groaned. Then I wrapped you in my blanket and carried you off to my shelter.”</p><p>“And when I woke up, I was all patched up and you were sitting by the fire, humming to yourself. When you noticed, that I was awake, you told me how you found me. And when you asked me what happened and I told you, you said that I was a fool.”</p><p>“I still think you're a fool – more so than ever, dare I say.”</p><p>“We're both fools. We always were.”</p><p>“And then you told me about yourself”, Loki continues, “You told me about your brothers, Vili and Ve. How they stabbed you in the back, because you can do magic. And you told me about your parents, Bórr and Bestla and the frost giants and how you made Midgard. And … and you shared your knowledge with me, even though you didn't even know my name yet. And when I asked you, why you were telling me this, you said …”</p><p>“'Because I'm lonely and you're the first person I've spoken to in a while'”, Óðinn smiles. “You told me about your family too. About your little brothers, Býleistr and Helblindi and your parents, Fárbauti and Laufey. And you told me that your grandparents are Surtr and Simnara. At first I didn't buy it, but when you took your fire giant form, I was dazzled.”</p><p>“Because you had never seen a fire jötunn before”, the other recalls softly. “Tell me, Allfather; have you met any others, since you met me? You never visited my grandfather?”</p><p>“No. I'd rather not talk to someone, who can lay whole worlds to ashes with a swing of his flaming sword.”</p><p>
  <em>You're both fated to destroy the world. That seems to run in your family.</em>
</p><p>“Coward. My grandparents are not that bad. Well, aside from that, of course!”, Loki giggles. “Grandmother is still waiting for me to come pick up the sword I left with her.”</p><p>“Charming. I bet Heimdallr will be impressed by your shiny sword.”</p><p>That's pure sarcasm; Múspellsheimr will freeze over, before <em>anything</em> impresses Heimdallr.</p><p>Loki cackles: “I wanted to use it on you, but my dear son Fenrir called dibs on you. And how could I possibly say no to him, after what you have done?”</p><p>He stops laughing. “If I had known this, I never would have offered to be your brother. I never would have mingled my blood with yours. The promises we made to each other …”</p><p>“I remember”, Óðinn tells him softly. “Of course I remember.”</p><p>“Do you?”, Loki questions doubtfully.</p><p>The Allfather doesn't blame him for not believing it.</p><p>So he quotes: “<em>'I, Óðinn, shall be your brother, not by flesh, but in blood and soul. I promise to support you, to protect you from danger, to help you in need, to trust you unconditionally and share my secrets with you. I promise to let you share in my joy, to share your burdens and ease your grief. I will accept no food or drink, unless you get your share as well …'</em>”</p><p>“'<em>… And your wife will be a sister to me and your children will be mine and I will love them as such'</em>”, Loki finishes. “You remember that part too, don't you?”</p><p>“Of course I do”, the Raven God replies sombrely.</p><p>“You were the first to break the vow”, the trickster croaks. “How could you, Óðinn? You promised me … <em>you promised me</em>! When did you change your mind about treating my children as your own? The moment you saw them? The moment the Völva told you about them? The moment you realised how powerful they were? I always treated your children as mine, up until you pulled that crap!”</p><p>“Loki, you didn't seriously expect me to keep a serpent, who is big enough to encircle motherfucking Midgard and a wolf as big as the mountains of Utgard in Asgard, did you? Just a kind reminder, Asgard is much smaller than Midgard.”</p><p>Loki glares hatefully. “That doesn't excuse your treatment of them! You flung Jörmungandr into the ocean like a broken doll and betrayed Fenrir, who only ever wanted to be respected by you! He would have been on your side, I know he would have! And Hel! You tore her away from me and banished her to the other end of the cosmos! Did you really think that her being a queen would console me anyhow? The only of my children you treat well is Sleipnir and that's because he's useful to you!”</p><p>“You're wrong”, Óðinn cuts him off. “I'm kind to Sleipnir, because he is as much of a son to me, as he is my steed. Granted, it's easier, as he's far more docile than you, but that's not the point. As for Hel, she is fine. Were I to see her again, I would treat her as my equal. But keeping her in Asgard was too dangerous too. Do you have the faintest clue, just how dark a magic she contains? Too dark and too much to safely keep her around. And she is more attached to the dead than she is to the living. She has a position that suits her and in the netherworld, she could learn to control her power without hurting anyone. She has a crown and subjects who adore her-”</p><p>“SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!”, Loki roars, and his voice echoes through the whole cave, “DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TRY TO EXCUSE, WHAT YOU DID-”</p><p>“Silence!”, Óðinn bellows in his most domineering tone and the other's mouth snaps shut.</p><p>Then he continues more gently: “I'm not trying to excuse anything. I know, there is no excuse. Do not believe for one second, that I'm proud of what I have done. I too have my regrets, Laufeyjarsón.”</p><p>“You're fucking kidding me, right?”, Loki laughs scornfully, “Are you fucking apologising?!”</p><p>“No. Just setting some things straight.”</p><p>It's too late to apologise.</p><p>“You killed my twins.”</p><p>“You killed mine first”, the black-haired Asa points out. “You couldn't expect that to have no repercussions.”</p><p>“Nari and Narfi were still children. They never did anything to you.”</p><p>“Baldr and Höðr never did anything to you either.”</p><p>Loki scoffs: “Come on! I did not kill Höðr. It was <em>your</em> son, whom you sired for that purpose, because you couldn't put the kid out of his misery yourself. Tell me: does Vali know, that the Blind One was his brother?”</p><p>“He does”, Óðinn answers calmly. “I told him a few years afterwards. When he was old enough to understand.”</p><p>“You chose to educate him <em>after</em> he committed fratricide? Priceless!”</p><p>“Big talk coming from the Fire Jötunn, who tricked my blind son into doing that very thing. It didn't surprise me, that you brought Baldr to the pyre. I know, why you did it. You were envious, spiteful and vengeful and you wanted to hurt me, like I hurt you. I understand that. And perhaps I could even forgive it, because we both know, that my dear son is happier where he is now. But what you did was even worse. You knew that Höðr loved his twin more than anything. He would rather have died a thousand deaths, before hurting his brother. You should have seen him, after he realised, what he had done. You have broken him and stained his hands with blood. That was insidious and evil. Why did you do this?”</p><p>“Because I couldn't stand him!”, Loki snarls icily. “I hated him, just like I hated his twin! I hated, that he was your spitting image. His entire demeanour, even his aura and personality were so much like yours. I couldn't stand looking at him! But there is another reason, why I did what I did. Do you want to know?”</p><p>
  <span>Óðinn is tempted to take the bowl away and let the poison drop onto the other's face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he manages to keep his composure.</span>
</p><p>“I'm all ears.”</p><p>“I did it, because they both <em>had</em> to die.”</p><p>“Had they?”, Óðinn questions coolly, “I didn't kill your children, until you killed mine. I mistreated them, but they are alive and more or less well. Remember when you told me that to get even with me, you would have had to kill Þórr, Viðarr and Hermódr as well? Sorry to say it, but you're wrong again. If you wanted to get even with me, the appropriate thing would have been to kidnap them and lock them away somewhere. But not to kill them. It's true, my grandchildren didn't deserve to die. But neither did my children. Especially not the way they died.”</p><p>“I know”, Loki responds with strange calm, “I know, that they didn't deserve it. But I had to cause their deaths, to teach them the meaning of suffering, before they could become like <em>us</em>.”</p><p>Óðinn's eye widens at these words, as an epiphany strikes him. Of course! Suddenly things make a lot more sense! Why did that not occur to him on his own?</p><p>“You loved them”, he realises, “You loved them as much as you hated them. You love my children, just like you love yours – but you were so revenge-bent, that you fought and denied it, until it was completely twisted.”</p><p>Loki doesn't answer.</p><p>He doesn't have to.</p><p>The way he presses his scarred lips together and squeezes his eyes shut is answer enough.</p><p>They stay quiet for a while, taking their time to let this realisation sink in.</p><p>“I do not regret it”, the trickster finally whispers. <em>But I do regret, that I had to do it.</em></p><p>“I know”, Óðinn replies. <em>And I regret, that it had to come to this.</em></p><p>The Allfather balances the bowl in one hand again, so he can touch the other's defaced visage with the free one.</p><p>“Don't”, Loki croaks, but Óðinn is already murmuring an incantation and within seconds, the trickster's face is restored to its former beauty.</p><p>“<em>Bastard</em>!”, the redhead chokes.</p><p>“We both are”, the black-haired god chuckles bitterly and returns his hand to the bowl; balancing it with two hands is just easier.</p><p>“I hate you!”</p><p>“I know, I know.”</p><p>“You used to be my brother!”</p><p>“And you used to be mine.”</p><p>Loki hears the hidden meaning: <em>I wish we still were. I wish we could start again. I wish it was still possible to fix it all.</em></p><p>“No!”, he hisses. “It's over! You have broken it all! <em>We</em> have broken it all! Our life … our brotherhood and friendship … it's all in shards!”</p><p>“Loki …”</p><p>“I will <em>never</em> forgive you! Never! <em>NEVER</em>!!!”</p><p>“<em>Loki</em> …”</p><p>“DIE!!! DIIEEE!!! Die-ah-ah …”</p><p>“Shhhh”, the Allfather coos. “Shh, shhh, shhhh …”</p><p>“I hate you!”, Loki sobs, “Damn you, damn you, <em>damn you</em>! You … you … ahhhh …”</p><p>The Raven God doesn't speak, as his now enemy becomes a bawling mess in front of him.</p><p>But at some point he feels his own sight blur.</p><p>It's bizarre, really.</p><p>Two mortal enemies in a cave, one chained up and the other holding a bowl over his head.</p><p>Weeping together, because everything is beyond dreadful, because they both ruined everything, lost everything and have nothing left, but the certainty of their impending end.</p><p>Loki doesn't know how long they cry like this, but it must be a while, because at some point their tears just … dry up.</p><p>When he finally calms down, he's beyond exhausted.</p><p>Once he trusts his own voice again, he inquires: “You don't happen to know how much longer it is until Ragnarök?”</p><p>Óðinn thinks for a moment. “Not long. Three hundred years, at the max. Pretty sure that snake up there won't last that long, though. It looks half dead.”</p><p>“Good. Hey, wanna know what I'll do first, once I get out of these chains?”</p><p>“Sure, why not.”</p><p>“I'll have me some snake soup. Then I'll take a long, long nap, because my back is hurting like hell and I don't think I'll be strong enough to walk right away to begin with.”</p><p>“Fair enough.”</p><p>“I'm so tired …”</p><p>“Sleep then”, Óðinn tells him. “I'll be here until your wife comes back.”</p><p>Loki refuses to say thank you, but he does promise the other, that he'll tell Fenrir to be quick about eating him.</p><p>“Much appreciated”, the other replies drily.</p><p>The trickster smirks at the Raven God, then falls asleep. He doesn't have to fear, that his former brother will kill him in his sleep.</p><p>The Allfather sighs and goes on to silently do his daughter's self-imposed task, until she finally comes back. Sigyn looks younger and a little less exhausted. Seems she really needed that break.</p><p>“It won't be much longer”, he promises her.</p><p>She nods in acknowledgement.</p><p>One look into her tired eyes tells him, that she won't be much longer either – her incomprehensible strength is waning. She has been here for way too long.</p><p>“Goodbye, father”, she says calmly. <em>Farewell</em>, she means.</p><p>“Farewell, Sigyn”, he returns and lets her take the basin to resume her task. “Just one thing, before I go.”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“I'm proud of you, my daughter.”</p><p>Her lower jaw quivers and her eyes tell him to leave.</p><p>He does.</p><p>There is no reason to linger.</p><p>The Raven God and the Wolf's Father have nothing more to say to each other.</p><p>They have told each other what needed to be told.</p><p>Everything else is certain, it doesn't need to be spoken of.</p><p>Certainty has the beauty of being trustworthy and reliable.</p><p>To Óðinn it's the same with Loki; he knows, when the trickster is telling the truth and when not – that makes it easy to not be suspicious.</p><p>He can trust, that the fire giant will bring on the Ragnarök, that they both will die, that they will be enemies in the end, like they were brothers in the beginning.</p><p>He knows, that for Loki it's the same.</p><p>That is why even now, they can tell each other things they wouldn't tell anyone else.</p><p>What a twisted kind of comfort there lies within that knowledge.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Sigyn - Devotion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After all the millennia, Sigyn is still there and they both know, she always will be - until the very end.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oof! Last chapter! I can't believe I wrote a multi-chapter fanfic and actually finished it! But now I have!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Sigyn – Devotion</b>
</p><p> </p><p>In the beginning she hated him.</p><p>It was easy.</p><p>She knew at first sight, that he was a foxy jerk, with that stupid effeminate and freckled face, the stupid bright green eyes, the stupid gaudy red hair and especially that stupid, insufferable smirk, that made her want to bash his face in.</p><p>She still can't believe, that her father made her marry this man!</p><p>And to add insult to injury, he called her tiny! She isn't tiny! Just … vertically challenged.</p><p>She hated him and he hated her. Simple as that.</p><p>But when she found out, that he already had a family and children … maybe she hated him just a little less. Of course he would wish to be with them, rather than with an arranged wife, with whom he fought every day.</p><p>Sigyn knows, that she can be a colossal bitch, but she is understanding and she loves children.</p><p>In retrospect she knows, that this is what won him over.</p><p>When she met Loki's not-so-little ones, she adored them, still does, like they're her own.</p><p>Sigyn finds it really sad, that so much shit needed to happen for her and her husband to grow together.</p><p>When the triplets were taken away, it broke the trickster's heart and she remembers, how he cried every night … and how she hated it.</p><p>She still doesn't know what exactly happened, but something clicked in her head.</p><p>Something, that prompted her to go and travel all nine worlds, just to find them and ask them for a token. And that she got: a curl from a queen, a fang from the wolf of wolves, a scale from the world-encompassing serpent.</p><p>Loki has never said thank you, nor has he ever told her, that he loves her.</p><p>But she knows, knew from the very moment he first kissed her.</p><p>And when they finally had children together, she finally realised, that they were meant to be – and that she would follow him to the end of all worlds and back.</p><p>Sigyn is nothing, if not loyal.</p><p>All nine worlds know this.</p><p>Even when she hated Loki, she took her wedding vow seriously.</p><p>She has sworn to be his faithful companion in joy and grief, for better or worse, to share happiness and grief, to easy his suffering and to be true, no matter what.</p><p>Loki is a pathological liar and the biggest slut she has ever met and now he is also a murderer and a traitor. Of course she would never condone, what he has done. She would never attempt to excuse or even defend his actions.</p><p>But she will also never desert him. He is all she has left now, really.</p><p>This wily shapeshifter, who slowly but surely has won her love and devotion.</p><p>She will be by his side until the end, even if it means wasting her life away.</p><p>Breaking her word is not an option.</p><p><em>Defeat </em>is not an option.</p><p>She, Sigyn, Bringer of Victory, daughter of the Father of the Slain, goddess of fidelity and constancy will be her husband's protector as long as she lives.</p><p>For she is Loki's wife and she holds a basin over his head, because this blasted snake up there is not allowed to cause him unbearable agony, not on <em>her</em> watch!</p><p>He may be a foxy jerk, but he is <em>her</em> foxy jerk.</p><p> </p><p>Loki has never told his wife, that he loves her.</p><p>He doesn't know why.</p><p>But love her he does, has loved her from the very moment she accepted his children with Angrboða as her own. Seriously, it was comical; she was cuddling the Niflheim out of the triplets and fawning over how cute they were – and he <em>blushed</em>. And that after centuries of loathing each other and leading a marriage neither of them had wanted.</p><p>And when she gifted him what to this day is his most priced possession, he fell for her completely.</p><p>Loki doesn't know, what he has done to earn Sigyn's unwavering loyalty, but he has it.</p><p>He never says I love you, but he has a way with gestures and words.</p><p>When he calls her a diamond and she asks why, he laughs and tells her, that she is just like one – precious, beautiful and the toughest natural substance there is. And she chortles and tells him to quit being sappy.</p><p>It sucks, that it has taken him centuries to realise it, but she is the best thing that ever happened to him. If he wasn't currently chained to three rocks with the entrails of their son, he would even say that he's very, very lucky.</p><p>Wait, scratch that.</p><p>He actually <em>is</em> very, very lucky.</p><p>Because even after all he has done, she is still by his side, easing his suffering significantly and keeping him from losing his mind completely. Even now, that he is a murderer and traitor, even as he's chained to three rocks with the entrails of their own child.</p><p>She has been offered to stay in Asgard and live a halfway ordinary life as a de-facto divorcee … and <em>refused</em>. She chose to stay with him, even though they both knew that it would mean wasting her life away, even though she has every reason to hate him.</p><p>He doesn't deserve her, he knows.</p><p>And she knows it too.</p><p>She knows <em>him</em>.</p><p>Always has.</p><p>Sigyn is not a Pollyanna, not someone to see things through rose-tinted glasses.</p><p>She is realistic and intelligent, impossible to fool or deceive and she has seen him for what he is right from the start. His sparkling wit, his silver tongue and charm never worked on her. No wonder she hated him at first – and to be fair, he made it pretty easy for her too; Loki remembers how he never was home (because she was too shrewish to handle), how he had more lovers than he has freckles on his face … and how he always <em>lied</em>.</p><p>Sigyn's attitude hasn't changed much since, just because she's fallen in love with him.</p><p>But love him she does and he hasn't the faintest idea <em>why</em>. It makes literally no sense.</p><p>But he is grateful for it, even though he never says so.</p><p>This petite, starry-haired goddess, small but strong, volatile but kind, quick to chide him but never untrue, never breaking her word in all the millennia they have been married.</p><p>Dear, poor Sigyn, so full of sorrow, who unlike him has no more tears to shed.</p><p>His long-suffering wife, who has watched her own children die most cruelly by the hands of the Æsir and gets reminded of it every time she looks at the chains binding her husband.</p><p>Loki is rarely moved by someone else's suffering, but his family is the exception.</p><p>Often he has asked her, why she is still here.</p><p>Her answer is always the same: <em>“Because I love you, because you need me and because we only have each other left.”</em></p><p>She really is all he has left.</p><p>And he trusts her.</p><p>His trust in her is as unwavering as her loyalty to him.</p><p>So what if she still calls him a foxy jerk.</p><p>He is <em>hers</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Sigyn.”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Wanna hear something funny?”</p><p>She rolls her eyes, but humours him. “I'm all ears.”</p><p>“I don't think I'll be able to shake my chains off, when Ragnarök comes.”</p><p>“How is that funny?”</p><p>“I hope my little ones come to pay me a visit, when Fenrir gets out of Gleipnir.”</p><p>“I still don't see, how-”</p><p>“Remember how they called you 'Sigyn of the Starry Hair'?”</p><p>She smiles fondly; of course she remembers. And how Jörmungandr liked to snake around her body and rest his serpentine head in her curly black and star-spangled hair, hissing about how soft it was.</p><p>“And you, Loki? Remember how they took human shapes that one time, for your birthday? And Fenrir another time, for Týr?”</p><p>He giggles: “They were so adorable!”</p><p>That they were, she agrees.</p><p>The goddess of loyalty wonders what the Midgard Serpent looks like now, if he takes human shape. He probably has a scar on his head, where her half-brother Þórr hit him with his hammer. And the Fenriswolf surely looks ferocious.</p><p>“And they loved you”, Loki whispers, “I'm sure they still do.”</p><p>The feeling is absolutely mutual; Sigyn doesn't care how enormous they are now.</p><p>“You're beautiful.”</p><p>Where the Niflheim did that come from???</p><p>“Shut it”, she mutters and blushes. Loki chuckles, but complies.</p><p>Sigyn isn't beautiful, at least not as beautiful as she once was.</p><p>Her black and starry hair has lost its lustre and is completely dishevelled, she has grown very pale and thin and she is ageing. And the rejuvenating apples they still have won't fix this, because those grey strands and lines on her face are the result of her sorrow. Probably she has dark rims under her eyes too.</p><p>She must look hideous.</p><p>Loki knows her train of thought. “You're still a diamond to me”, he consoles her. “You're just one in the rough now.”</p><p>She snorts, but gives him a fond look.</p><p>He grins, but it fades quickly and his head sinks back onto the rock.</p><p>He's so tired.</p><p>Just a century earlier, he got to take a nap, because of Óðinn's short visit, but that was a few hours of rest. Apart from that …</p><p>“It feels like I haven't slept in millennia”, he groans.</p><p>“I don't think you have”, Sigyn replies. “In fact I'm quite sure, that you haven't slept at all, since you … were imprisoned here. Apart from that one nap a hundred years ago.”</p><p>Loki looks up to her again. “You're tired too, my Sigyn. You can't convince me, that you have got any more sleep than I have.”</p><p>“You're right, I haven't”, she confirms.</p><p>And she isn't just exhausted.</p><p>She is dying, both of them know this.</p><p>Century after century of being in this dark cave, holding this big basin and scarcely eating, drinking, sleeping or even getting fresh air, her incredible strength is waning and her life energy is slipping away. At this point she is so weak, that it's inevitable.</p><p>The thought makes Loki's heart shatter. The only thing he can do is hope that he will be free, before this happens. Not just because he doesn't want the venom to drop on his face non-stop. If she has to pass on before him, at least she should die in his arms.</p><p>Sigyn knows, how her husband feels about the prospect of her dying before him.</p><p>But she has sworn to last as long as he needs her and Sigyn will be damned, if she ever fails to keep her word!</p><p>At this point, it's probably pure obstinacy, which keeps her alive, because like Niflheim will she be defeated by something as minor as death!</p><p>“Hey, Sigyn?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“You're doing that thing again.”</p><p>“What thing?” She knows, what he means, but it's funny hearing him say it.</p><p>Loki grins: “That thing, where you think about how death can kiss your arse as long as I need you. I can tell by the way your jar clenches and the way you frown and glare.”</p><p>She giggles: “You know me so well.”</p><p>“And <em>you</em> know <em>me</em>, my better half”, he purrs.</p><p><em>Damn right I'm your better half</em>, she thinks drily.</p><p>But he made her laugh and she is so grateful for that. Loki is so good at making her laugh, even now. It's one of the things she loves about him.</p><p>They sink back into silence for a while.</p><p>Then something unexpected happens and Sigyn is so surprised, that she nearly drops the basin. She manages not to, but decides to tell her husband of what just occurred.</p><p>“Loki?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Guess what just happened.”</p><p>His head is directly below the basin, so he doesn't see what's above it.</p><p>“What is it, my wife?”</p><p>“The snake just bit the dust.”</p><p>The trickster's eyes widen. “No fucking way!”</p><p>“Yes fucking way. Give me a moment to empty the basin and then I'll see, if I can find something to open those fucking chains.”</p><p>“Try the teeth of the snake”, Loki advises.</p><p>“Will do”, Sigyn says and goes to empty the bowl.</p><p>When she comes back, she has a sharp rock and a few herbs.</p><p>“Alright, let's see, if this works”, she mutters and cuts the dead snake into pieces. Then she uses the leftover teeth and finds that, yes, they do cut through the chains.</p><p>The now free trickster tumbles from the rocks to the ground.</p><p>“Holy shit, am I free at last?”, he groans.</p><p>“Yep”, Sigyn nods. “It's finally fucking over.”</p><p>Loki would stand up and laugh triumphantly, but he is just so tired and everything hurts. However, they both really want to get out of this damn cave and so she helps him outside, carrying the bowl full of snake meat and herbs.</p><p>They both blink at the bright light, but manage to drag themselves to a nearby river, before slumping against a tree, both groaning from exhaustion.</p><p>The trickster leans against his wife's shoulder. “Darling?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I'm in no condition to start Ragnarök”, he admits.</p><p>She laughs: “Obviously. Come on. I'll cook us a nice snake soup and then you'll take a nap.”</p><p>He smiles. “Sounds good, my diamond.”</p><p>They have themselves the soup and then she lets him rest his head in her lap.</p><p>“Sleep”, she coos. “I'll be there, when you wake.”</p><p>He sighs and closes his eyes, knowing that she will indeed still be here, when he wakes up.</p><p>No one is truer than Sigyn.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"It takes courage and strength to make a man depend on you, but it almost always pays off."</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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